Lions & Chickens & Bears, Oh My!

Was too busy to masticate today. So by 8.30om, I was starving. I decided to go home as I was really tired but on the way back, I thought I might give myself a short chill-out time. I decided to go to a local pub for some pub grub and a pint before I went home.

The place was not that packed and I usually visited this pub as I know the owner and most of the musicians and it was near my office. It's the kind of chilled out place where musicians and irregular laypersons can go up and just jam. This can be a good and a bad thing. Good when they can sing and cruel and unusual punishment when the exiled karaoke denizens descend on the place.

Tonight, they had a bloke who would not get off the stage for almost an hour, crooning every Elvis song known to man and the aliens he has gone to live with. The band was quite good but this bloke ... as I told the lady who sat next to me, "If Elvis was shorter, Chinese, fatter, square as hell and wears Drew Carey glasses .. yes, he is in the building!" Pelvic thrusts and extended arms a la Ju Ming's single whip pose were de rigour with this man too.

I sat eating a fairly mediocre plate of beef fried rice and had a whiskey on the rocks while chatting with the woman on my right. Turns out she works for Brands! How weird! I was just chatting about Brands with a friend the night before. Bizarre. She tried to convince me that Brands Chicken of Essence was not foul tasting and would grow on me. So would mould ... and I think I might prefer to eat that ...

Then she started flirting with this bloke I know ... who just asked me out the week before. (Why do men have to send you cutsey little smiley face ... barf ...smses immediately after you turn them down? Do they think that will change your mind?) It was awkward and I decided to give them their privacy and turned to face the other direction. A woman came and sat next to me and started introducing herself and I learnt that she works for a company that cures sleeping disorders! Wow! I'm meeting really interesting peeps tonight. Gleefully we launch into a discussion about why men cannot admit that they snore and the 84 sleep disorders known to men. And then I felt a hand on my back rubbing my shoulders blades gently. Huh?

I turned around and there was Date Boy listening to the Brands Chicken Lady and having a seemingly intense convo .. and he's trying to bond his hand to my shoulders! What is up with that??? I smiled politely and shifted towards Sleep Disorder Lady and we started making fun of Chinese Elvis. I began noticing that she kept leaning closer and closer. Suddenly a long haired young chick comes by and thrusts herself aggressively between us. Very surprised, then highly amused, I chuckled and turn back to the right ... just in time to see Brands Chicken Lady tell Date Boy I was great fun and we've become great friends in the 20 mins since meeting. Awww ... how ... bizarre.

Long Haired Jealous GF finally left and Sleeping Disorder Lady tells me that a man hovering near her has the hots for her. And she did not know how to tell him that she was not interested. Leaning closer now .. real subtle ... looking beseechingly at me ..

"What shall I do? How do I convince him without hurting his feelings? 'Cos I'm gay ... You do know I am gay, right? Because some peeps say I do come across as gay but I really don't know .. what do you think?"

Ah .. the ole ... I'm-gay-but-help-me-convince-some-clueless-bloke-that-I-am-not-interested-by-pretending-you-are-my-gf ruse. And while we are at it, how about something something ...? No .. I've never heard that one before. Roll eyes. Very politely and gently I made a production of looking at the guy and pretended not to notice that she's trying to audition for a role as my lip balm.

Twirling lock of hair and looking wide-eyed, I lisped, "Men, they are so clueless. But I kinda like some of them dumb. And there's really no point telling him you are gay as he'd probably think you are lying to put him off. And he'll be in denial 'cos his brain will not be able to accept the fact that the woman he fancies is trying to feel up the leg of the woman next to her. Jeez ... men!"

She laughed nervously while I waved happily at her gf to get her to come over to witness her gf's perfidy. I glanced at the time and thought .. bit early for such excessive desperation, isn't it? What were these peeps drinking?? Discretion being the better part of valour and knowing my temper, I better bugger off before I take a bar-stool, carry it in front of me and start making like a lion tamer by cracking a whip over the maddening crowd. It was time to to call it a day. It's been weird ... very very weird. And as my friends say .. it can only happen to Steph.

Going to the door, I see Date Boy hastily removing his handphone ear-piece and ask me why I was leaving so early. Hmmm .. unlike the rest of you guys, I am not here to pick up desperate peeps .. came for dinner and a pint and I would like to go home and work a little on a curatorial paper, thank you very much. Yes I know .. I am boring ... give it a rest already!

Anyway, Date Boy still tried to tie me down to a date by doing the universal hand gesture for "Call me" ... yeah right ...

Roll eyes.

Remind me to call for pizza takeout next time.


Categories - Rambling Prose