Me, Master Criminal

OK, it's been an intense two days. I've been detained in the local slammer and subtly threatened with all sorts of charges without being charged etc. Someone once said my life is like a soap opera ... but come on! Can it be at least a more intellectual soap opera instead of one written by Jerry Springer's second string writers???

A man claiming to be a policeman turned up at the gallery looking for me two days ago and demanded to speak to me. Fortunately ... or unfortunately, I was not at the gallery but he demanded to see me the next day. I thought it was highly dubious that he asked to see me outside of a police station and his identification which he showed my colleague only had his first name. We started calling him the Bogus Policeman.

It took a lot before I decided that he might be on the up and up, including phone calls to the police station where he was stationed and a check on what his jurisdiction included. Apparently, it is the Commercial Crime Unit. Oooohhhh ... I started wondering what I could have done wrong. The irony is that before I even went to the station, I interrogated him.

"What's your full name?"

"Hansen."

"Hansen what?"

"Hansen P."

"Not good enough. P for what?"

And so it went. The roles were certainly reversed but the man refused to tell me what it was about or if the case was against me or I was supposed to be a witness etc. He was so shifty that I ended up feeling like he was the criminal and I was the law trying to get the truth out of him! But being a law-abiding person, I turned up at the station that morning as arranged. In my head I kept hearing desperate bleats while the words "Lamb to the Slaughter" flashed through my heated imagination. Remember, I was still suffering from the heat stroke from the day before.

Turning up there, the bloody man was not even at the station! I had to sign in and wait ... I think I waited for almost an hour. Good thing I brought a good spy thriller to read while waiting. Bastards.

He finally showed up and then led me to a room. And left me there! I must have waited for almost 30 mins before he showed up again. I was right pissed off. Finally he showed up again and started asking me a lot of weird questions about my financial dealings and my scope of work. After trying to explain all the different pies I have my fingers in, he was truly confused and was giving me severe looks. I asked him repeatedly why I was there and he never once answered my question. He gave me some ambiguous statement about some criminal act involving the use of computers.

Huh? Did my blog here finally get me in trouble??!! But! But...!! I've only started it since August 2005? Wow, there must be some kind of record I am breaking.

Anyway, they essentially detained me .. without officially detaining me. They took away my mobile phone when I tried to call my office, my lawyer .. anyone! They said they needed to check the numbers and messages on my mobile and took the whole thing away. I thought it was rather convenient that they did this just when I said I wanted to make my one phone call. Hey, I watch telly. I know you are entitled to one phone call at least! But no, he told me that I was not under arrest therefore there is no need to call anyone and we would be done any moment now. OK, peeps ... I was there from 12 till 9pm. Figure that out!!! Can you spell Rodney King??!! OK, I am not black ... OK, African American ... but I can spell that!!!

Then he told me they would need to confiscate my computer to check what I have been doing on it. I had my work laptop with me but I told him it's ridiculous as I'd just started using that one like 2 months ago and according to them, this purported crime I've committed is months ago. But some reason, he did not demand to check my laptop. I thought it was all very suspect.

Bogus Copper told me the Deputy Prosecutor would like to see me so we took a drive. But woah, Singaporean efficiency! She was not there. DUH!! We went back to the police station. I was starting to try to recall the few seconds of footage I've ever seen of Police Academy 1-568.

Then the kicker - Hansen P Bogus Copper told me he needed to go sort something out and will leave me in the room. I had water but that's about it. I thought he would be back in 30 mins as before but noooooo ... I waited there for almost 1 1/2 hours! I even wandered out of the room (it was not locked!) and went on a walkabout looking for the loo. At one point, I even helped a policeman remove the ink cartridge on the printer in my room when he came to "borrow" the ink cartridge. Oh no! Did I aid in a felony??? *Gasp!* Nah, he brought the thing back about 15 minutes later. I helped him put it back. Such excitement ... Amazing! I could have been a terrorist and blasted the place to kingdom come and these Barely Heeled Cops would not have had a clue. Jaysus.

I finally got home but I would have to turn up again tomorrow for my second "interview". At this point, I still had no clue why the hell I was there in the first place. So I called my director, who wondered if I had fallen off the ends of the earth since the Bogus Copper did not let me call the office to tell them my plight! Anyway, his gf's sister is a Police Inspector so I took her name down so I can lodge an official complaint. He was also highly indignant and so was his gf's sister. It was all very dubious.

I also called a lawyer I knew. He was astounded and after a discussion, told me to gather all records of my financial dealings etc. He was going back with me the next day to the police station where we can tell them "where to stuff it" as he said. I think he felt really sorry for me as I kind of burst into tears in the middle of my tirade. Not from fear or grief .. but just because I was so pissed off to be treated like that. I'm not daft! I knew what Hansen P was doing. He was trying to break me down and coerce me into admitting some kind of crime! Like what??? Illegal use of split infinitives in my sentences? Unlawful conduct towards a chicken during the preparation of Quick Chicken Fajitas?? Oh oh ... I know .. that long overdue library fine?

Anyway, I took the next day off as I was so distraught and had to look through all my boxes (I am still not fully unpacked) for any and all financial records I had. I also made copies of all my emails etc on a CD-ROM just in case. It took me the whole day as I was so unfocused ... I did not sleep well the night before. At 5pm, my lawyer, Jon, turned up and we had a pow wow. He assured me I had nothing to worry about (unless I was lying to him - at which case I started to wonder if I should lie to him about something as he looked kind of disappointed) and that we will lodge a complaint against Bogus Copper.

We turn up at the police station and woah .... what a change in attitude! Yesterday, Bogus Copper was tough and treated me like I was some kind of halfwit. Today, with Jon by my side, he's all nice and buddy-buddy. I felt like buddy-buddying him in the bloody crotch. Unfortunately I was wearing comfy Keds and not my heels. Damn.

First, he apologised to me about the previous day. Apparently, until they realised that I had really made a police report months ago about my ID being stolen along with my wallet, they had thought I might be the mastermind behind a criminal syndicate. Wow .. me, Master Criminal. I was not sure whether to be flattered or offended. It was also a real indication how incompetent they were. I'd lodged that report in April and they did not even know about it. Hey, I did not lodge it at the local 7-Eleven but at a real police station. Unfuckingbelievable!

Apparently, a Sri Lankan criminal syndicate (can't be that bright if they were caught by Barely Heeled Cops) used my ID to make fake IDs. Bloody 'ell, I am a template! I feel so ... original. Anyway, as they could not locate me, since I sting like a bee, flit like a butterfly (sic), for the past few months, they came to the "natural" conclusion that I must be the mastermind. And you wonder how the Barclay debacle could happen in Singapore. Roll eyes.

Me? A master criminal in a fake ID syndicate? You have gotta be kidding! Of course, now that he said that I started wondering how you would actually go about doing it. I even told him he could not have been doing things right if he could not locate me. I gave him some really good ideas - like obtaining the mobile number from mobile service providers using the ID number, or contacting the Inland Revenue peeps to find out where my salary was being paid out to or from etc. Come on! You're the cops, you should know this!! He looked a little embarrassed. And then he asked if I could cover for him by saying I travelled a lot so he could not find me. ROFLMAO. Unbelievable.

So, I am going to court next week. I am a material witness in the case. And Hansen P is currently sweating buckets hoping I do not bust him. He even bought dinner for Jon & I - packet duck rice from someplace nearby. Not bad .. but not bloody good enough!

You know, this country never fails to amaze me. It both amuses and scares the living daylights out of me. Only in this country can a woman who can get lost in a shopping centre (long story .. and there were no proper signages in that damn building!) be considered a Master Criminal.

I am way too nice too. Since Hansen P grovelled and bought us dinner, I decided not to complain against him. Also, Jon told me that it might lead to future repercussions of harrassment from the police so I decided to play nice too. The last thing I need is a policeman stalker. I had one of those in my early twenties and it was nasty. Who do you go complain to about a policeman sexually harrassing you???

Anyway, stay tuned for when I return from court. I hope I do not get into more trouble than I have from doing nothing. Jaysus, only in this country.

Categories - Rambling Prose