Sunday, January 15, 2006

Weight Loss Airheads

Anywhere else in the world I am considered tiny. In Asia, especially Singapore, I am considered "voluptuous" or chubby. Why? Because I have tits. That is a problem here. They are fixated on weight and tits in Singapore. And these are the women! Not the men! OK, the men too.

I remember choking on my root beer in the cinema the first time I saw a breast enhancement ad flash on the big screen. It was about a mother wearing a sports bra and the neighbourhood biddies were giving her the evil eye. And staring at her bosom! Did I stray into a lesbian flick by mistake??? No, it was an ad for bust enhancement. But the whole ad made it seem like it was the holy quest for every woman in Singapore. I scoffed. But I scoffed too soon when I realised that this may not be that far fetched.

The first bloke who asked me to be in a breast enhancement ad got my drink splashed in his face. The second was an art director friend and after I stopped laughing in his face, I realised he meant it. I am no Pamela Anderson Lee or Anna Nicole Smith (although if a half dead billionaire wants to marry me, leave his entire fortune to me, and never touch me, I'm game! LOL!) but apparently in A-size dominant Singapore, any hint of bust is an excuse for people to be rude to you.

Men stare at your chest and try to initiate long, intimate conversations with them. Women give you the evil eye and murmur things about Wonderbras or come right out and ask you if "they" are real. I kid you not. I was once in the loo and some women asked me if "they" were real. Unreal!

The boobs or bust syndrome is complemented by Singaporeans' obsession with weight loss. There was a famous and terribly dreary case of a local celebrity who foolishly ingested weight loss pills that wrecked her liver. Apparently she did not know that there may be side effects. And so her fiance (dashing hero character type) donated part of his to her or something to that effect. I will not make any other comment other than an allusion to a movie that Jim Carrey was in (that I refused to watch) that sounded like Stump and Stumpier.

This actress was 5 ft 2" and probably weighed about 50kg before she went on diet. The fact that she went on diet baffles me completely. I weigh 48kg, am slightly taller than her and OK, a fair bit of my weight may be in my chest but people in Singapore make comments about my "roundedness"!

Amazing! And they will start giving you advice on how to lose weight! How rude! I might not mind putting on some muscle but I am fine with my weight! But nooo .. the ideal is to be stick thin. Every corner you turn, there is an ad for weight loss.

In every shop you go to, there is a weight loss product. Everyone talks about weight loss. It's ridiculous! I am so bored with weight loss. The subject is enough to make me .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry, where was I again? Anyway, I recently saw a hilarious blog post that was pointed out to me by 3A Gurl. See for a spectacularly funny post from Kenny Sia, a Malaysian with a truly wicked sense of humour. Apparently, weight loss is also a Malaysian obsession. I just had to share it ... more because of the pictures, which totally killed me. I was laughing so hard, I would have fallen off my iGallop chair if I was on one.

Which leads me to my next tirade. What the hell is with the iGallop chairs??? I can see people using it as sex aids but not weight loss aid! And the soft porn-wannabe TVC features nubile young things gyrating on the iGallop chairs suggestively. Real classy. I did notice that the ad featured two men to give it some legitimacy as a "health" product. Might have worked if the two guys look straight.

I wonder if the iGallop is delivered to you in a plain brown paper bag.

Let's consider the possibilities.

Possible Headlines in the Local Newspapers
Gahmen (Singlish way of saying government) closes down manufacturers of the iGallop for jeopardising national procreation drive

Marriages wrecked as wives too tired after riding iGallop chairs to do their national service

Local hospitals report increased cases of groin malfunction after launch of iGallop chairs

Employers report increased medical leaves from female employees from excessive horsing around on iGallop chairs

National productivity goes down as iGallop chairs go up

Husband sues manufacturers for introducing third party in marriage after assaulting an iGallop chair

Increased number of bow-legged women in Singapore after launch of iGallop chairs

Line dancing dies down. Lap dancing goes up

Mattel rethinks My Little Pony product line

Remember Barbarella and the Orgasmatron machine? 'Nuff said.

Off I gallop to eat some ice cream. With extra whip cream and chocolate sauce.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against sensible dieting coupled with exercise and common sense. Such as the ones employed by people like Kalyn, which seems to work fabulously for her. So all you weight loss pills and iGallop brandishing stick women, put your weapons down.

Categories - Rambling Prose


Blogger 3A Gurl said...

Kam Siah. Absolute scream. Now off I go to get ready to face the Borg, with phazers set to Kill. I will Resist...even if I am tortured with horseplay.

6:44 am  
Blogger J said...

hiya, funny post ;) i have tiny mosquito bites for assets but have a sister who is very well-endowed, so can empathise with how you must feel about the rude behaviour that greets you (or rather, your chest) wherever you turn - isn't it galling how many people seem to think it's polite conversation to comment on weight loss/gain as a means of greeting?

3:37 pm  
Blogger MM said...

Thanks so much, ladies!

3A - Does Ed know about this horsing around with Borgs with kinky toys?

J - Hey, mosquitoe bites are cool. At least you don't have to worry about women in loo asking you if they are real and then we you say yes, ask to touch them to verify! I kid you not! And the next person who tells me how many calories, fat and cholesteral there is in my laksa, char kway teow, osso bucco, B&J ice cream etc, gets it!

Er, steps off soap box and hopes not be mistaken for Jeya Ratnam.

9:55 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! Verrrrry interesting! Funny post indeed.

4:36 am  
Blogger diet4free said...

I just came across your blog about weight loss and wanted to say how fascinating your information is. I have my own weight loss blog –, about my experiences. Know a good site when I see one. Keep up the good work

9:23 pm  
Blogger MM said...

Thanks Paz!

Diet - thanks and er ... the same to you too.

4:25 am  

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