Thursday, May 25, 2006

And All That Jazz

Did I call it or did I call it? Not that it was that hard as it was obvious that Taylor Hicks out-performed Katherine McPhee.

Did I have to sit through 2 hours of excruciatingly contrived and naft American Idol to find out the results? Probably not. Am I a captive audience with nowhere to go and an ice pack holding my ankle hostage? Yes. It's obvious the American Idol producers are trying desperately to win some viewership away from the country awards. So here's my own "awards" ...

Daftest & most painful high-school skit - Puck & Pickler; Wolfgang, you keep that up and I may have to say your name with the same disdain as Bourdain when he says "Emeril"

Biggest bad fake-job - Pickler's "I'm too country to know how to pronounce Shanghai" William Shatner style of acting

Most unfortunate pairing - McPhee & Meatloaf. Egads, it's Beauty & the Beast! Meatloaf really suffered in comparison next to the strong and pure vocals of McPhee. He looked like a lecherous old coot leering down her cleavage and when she pushed him away during the performance I rather think it was not entirely an act. There is no way Meatloaf is McPhee's idol. The producers must have misunderstood when she tried to order a meatloaf for dinner

Best tongue-in-cheek irony - Making the virginal Corvais kid sing What's New, Pussy Cat a la Tom Jones is pure evil; that's like asking Shirley Temple (the kid) to sing like Lil Kim

Most hilarious intro of a judge - the spoofing of Simon Cowell to the music of Da Ya Think I'm Sexy ... too funny

Most starstruck - I cannot decide between Chris Daughtry or Elliot Yamin; Chris was obviously desperate for the approval of Live, especially when Ed Kowalcyzk's superior vocals made his sound flat, and Elliot was railroaded by Mary J Blige who not only sang the duet like a solo but also walked abruptly off the stage at the end, leaving Elliot to stare after her wistfully

Best Impersonation - Mary J Blige's spot on impersonation of The Fly

Best decision - the group number by the guys really showcased the weak singing by whats-his-name-the-pretty-boy-with-puppy-eyes-&-floppy-hair who went off key more times than I've lost my house keys, and Buck-with-the floppy-hair who still needs an interpreter to decipher what he is singing, further justifying why they were booted off

Best Surprise - Prince! Colour me purple with surprise! What are you doing there, dude? Why??? Glad to see ya even with the those scary females gyrating so much they almost knocked the standing mike down but ... you are too good for this!

Most Amusing Exit - the Golden Idol girl who wisely left the trophy on the ground and fluttered off quickly during Dave "Strung Out on Drugs" Hoover's manic convulsions on stage

Most Tragic Performance - Toni Braxton. What ... The ... HELL ... Was ... That??! I bet Taylor Hicks had a Crying Game shower scene after that and might need therapy for years now. Stop borrowing Paris Hilton's wardrobe, growling/lip synching your songs (that can be the only explanation for the non-singing ... even Prince's backup dance screamers sounded better) and use that fabulous God-given voice instead! Jaysus!

Poorest Wardrobe Budget - Toni Braxton again. Them cheap bastards only gave her enough to buy the top and not enough for the bottom

Most Scary Makeover - Clay Aiken; does anyone else think he looks like Pee Wee Herman after he was arrested for his er ... self-help in the cinema? I thought the Peter Pumpkinhead look was bad but Clay Aiken must have really pissed off his stylist this time because that is some powerful hair dye - it made Aiken sing like a constipated country singer.

Most patriotic statement - No, not Hicks' "I'm living the American Dream" but Seacrest's proud announcement that the 63.4 million votes gathered at American Idol were more than what any president has ever garnered. Wow, something to be proud of ... a network channel gloating over the fact that the country cares more about their show than the fate of the nation

Best Kick in the Teeth - Live's performance at American Idol; never has the show been so contemporary instead of a schmaltzy B-list fest

After that self-inflicted torment, I was just sitting there nursing my left arm and ankle and playing my music when I decided I needed a break from “working”. Yes, listening to music is working as I am constantly envisioning movements and formations in my head and can't keep still.

I thought I needed a break and listen to music just for pure relaxation ... music that will not entice me to mentally choreograph or foolhardily move my body to, jeopardising my recovery. I have an intensive weekend of rehearsals of coming up and I have to be on my feet. It’s time to be sensible. I put away my music and replaced them with some jazz and blues.

While rummaging through my CD shelf, I spotted a much loved CD I’d put together for the times when I need to chill or space out. Cool … my favourite song is in it. Here are some pictures of what I am envisioning when I hear it. Those of you familiar with old jazz classics may be able to guess … or those who know me well would definitely know the song.

Here’s the lyrics if you are really stumped.

I'm feelin' mighty lonesome

Haven't slept a wink
I walk the floor from nine to four
In between I X
Love's a hand-me-down brxx
I'll never know a Sunday
In this weekday room

I'm talkin to the shadow
One o'clock till four
And Lord, how slow the moments go
And all I do is pour
Since the blues caught my eye
I'm hangin' out on Monday
My Sunday dreams to dry

Now man was born to go a lovin'
But was a woman born to weep and fret
And stay at home and tend her oven
And down her past regrets
In coffee and cigarettes

I'm moonin' all the mornin'
Moanin' all the night
And in between it's nicotine
And not much heart to fight
Feelin' low as the ground
It's drivin' me crazy
This thinkin' 'bout my baby
Might maybe come around
Come around

Bugger, I'm moving to the music again ...


Anonymous Ivonne said...

I love your American Idol review. Your awards are worthy and too funny!

7:50 am  
Anonymous Diane said...


And "Black Coffee" is one of my favorite songs. I have a Julie London version of it that's fabulous.

2:20 am  
Blogger pentacular said...

We have Australian Idol based on the US version, but my ankle is OK so Im not strapped into watching it. You made it sound fun though MM, and I have to admidt Meatloaf should have just been called 'loaf'. He appeared on Hey Hey it's Saturday, an Aussie variety TV show and preceeded to think he was the host, his ego was so big. One of the comics of the show Red Simons (who was a guitar player for a well known Aussie band in the 70's called Skyhooks) got him when he said "excuse me but have you ever heard of the word "guest"".

8:50 pm  
Blogger -w- said...

hey. i like your blog. quite a creative take on an oft-written about topic

8:16 am  
Blogger Gourmetish said...

Black Coffee is one of my favorite songs too. I have a great version with Ella singing.

I second all of your comments on American Idol. It's not a proud thing that more people vote for a pop show than the prez.

That picture of Clay is even scarier than usual (which is VERY scary).

3:38 am  
Blogger MM said...

LOL, Ivonne, glad you liked it.

Diane - LOL, thanks! I heard the Julie London version and it's quite cool but I must admit I still like Ella and Billie Holliday's version better. Peggy Lee's is also quite cool ...

Pentacular - That's hilarious! He bloody deserves it ... it bad when peeps become legends in their own lunchtimes eh?

W - thanks so much!

Gourmetish - I knew you were a woman after my own heart! It's great how many of us chicks love this song eh?

4:48 am  

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