I Steam You Long Long Hard Hard?

OK, an update on yesterday. Because it was a helluva funny night.

First, it was both a brilliant and a horrid day at work. Mdm Tak Mao finally managed to piss off everyone so much that the director lost it completely and basically kicked her arse right out of the office. It was a bad scene but actually a real sigh of relief because the woman brought such bad mojo.

But we had a fab day in terms of business. We were hard press to keep up with the number of peeps coming in and buying works. So by 7pm, I was in a very good mood. Was also in a great mood because I was actually gonna do something social for once instead of working non-stop. I was going to watch an old classic Chinese movie called Liang Shan Bo & Zhu Ying Tai aka the Chinese Romeo and Juliet. I'm definitely not a romantic movie type person and would normally rather chew my own eyes out than watch this, especially as it was one of those opera like ones ... but it is a classic and all my friends were going and I just wanted to go out and have a chilled out night.

Anyway, one of the blokes had not even heard of it before and I was trying to explain the entire precept of the Chinese operatic romantic movie genre.

"Oh, prepare for lots of wailing," I said helpfully.

"Wailing? What? Why?" an alarmed Jan asked.

"They sing in these movies ... scary isn't it?"

I don't think he quite believed me. Ten minutes later, the first screech burst forth from the screen and I saw Jan's bald pate turn viciously around as he looked back at me wide-eyed and accusing. Heh ... told ya.

It's a good thing they had subtitles in that movie because it just made it that much funnier. For those of you not in the know, the storyline is really naft. Girl wants to go to school. Parents say no. Girl pretends to be a bloke so she could go to school as way back then only boys went to school. On way to school, she meets boy ... who turns out to be going to the same school.

Wail, whine, wail ... "We're getting along so well after only 10 minutes of meeting so why don't we become sworn brothers?"

"Wonderful, how old are you? I am 17."

"I am 16 ..."

At this point, my group start humming "I am 16 going on 17 ..." to the annoyance of the peeps around us. But honestly, how did you expect us to resist??!!

Anyway, girl falls in love with classmate, who's a daft git who never realises no boy wears that much make-up in school .. no, not even RuPaul. They finally graduate and on the way home, she tries to tell the dimwit that she's a girl.

"See those two fishes swimming together so happily!" (Code: Psst, I'm a girl)

"Duh?"

"See those two mandarin ducks in the pond? They are just like us .. a happy couple!" (Code: Pssst, I AM A GIRL!)

My group at the movies was made up of 3 gay blokes, 1 straight but pervie bloke, a chick who works for the French so she's gotta be a bit bent anyway and then there's me. Jan came for the movie because he thought it might be a gay flick ... come on ... girl dress up as guy and guy falls in love with her and the characters are all played by girls with one pretending to be a guy who is really a guy who falls in love with a girl ... ya see? So when the line " ... a happy couple" came up on the subtitles, we thought they meant to say "... a gay couple".

Back to the scintillating story ...

"See that crow sitting on the back of the cow in the farm. They should be a married couple. You can be the cow and I can be the crow." (Code: You flaming idiot, I'm a GIRL!)

"What? I'm a cow???!!"

They take shelter in a temple and girl suggests they get married. Boy laughs and says men do not marry other men. Nervous laugh. I heckled and said .. "Not true!" ... "Shhhhhh!"

You can see why they did not quite get together during that scene. Anyway, girl goes home totally devastated and boy goes back to school and wonders if he might be gay as he keeps thinking of girl. Then his principal's wife tells him that girl is really a girl and she wanted them to get engaged so the hussy gives her hanky and some jade thingy to the principal's wife to give to boy as a bethrothal gift. Crikey, is that girl hard up or what?!!

Boy is ecstatic and he rushes off to girl's home. But noooooo ... he is too late! Her father's gone and married her off to some rich git. He's devastated and they meet and wail ... a lot ... and proclaim they rather die than be apart. Next thing you know he's dying in bed and missing her. Brilliant line comes up on the subtitles saying that he has "a queer illness". Our group cracks up and says "No shit!" Classic.

He dies, coughing blood onto a hanky which his servant then gives to girl. And we're treated to a stomach turning scene where she rubs the blood-soaked hanky on her face. Eeeuuuuwww.

The ending is tremendous. She rushes to his grave in her bridal finery and a huge hurricane blows by, splits his grave in half and she throws herself in! And suddenly two butterflies fly out from the grave up to heaven. Hence the Butterly Lovers title.

Naft, isn't it? It's a good laugh though and explains why my relationships with Chinese blokes rarely work out. Er ... right, take yer bloody hanky (literally) and if you try to flash some butterfly at me, I'll pulverise you.

After the dinner, Jan and I messed around with my shawl doing the sleeves waving and wailing bit around the lobby. Peeps were staring but hey, can't cut the sleeves, get out of the opera! We all decided to go out for steamboat. I was ecstatic. I'd not had steamboat in years! Kelvin and Jan brought us to Golden Mile shopping centre, which is infamous for being the local Little Thailand, complete with the sterilised version of girlie bars. Meaning there are girls but no prostitution ... yeah, rrrrright.

Dinner was fab but rushed as they literally pulled down the shutters and packed up all the chairs and tables around us as we ate. The Hainanese chicken rice was amazing though. But I thought the steamboat was just so so. After the hurried dinner we decided to go for a quick beer. For some reason, we decided that it would be a hoot to go to one of those Thai places for a beer. And of course, we had to choose the loudest, gaudiest (they actually had red lights and lamps) joint with 0% non-Thai content, with some Thai girls prancing around. We showed up and it's like a scene from a cowboy movie.

Whooosh! Collective heads turn to look at the greenhorns who smile happily and wave like the gits that they are.

They sat us down and with the beer came a couple of hookers. One of them demanded that Nathaniel dance with her. Now, Nathaniel is a fine catch. Cute as hell and muscley yet intellectual, he's also gay. But I reckon she didn't realise and if she did, did not care. Aggressively poking him till he danced with her, she started shimmying down till she is squatting at his crotch level. Not to be outdone, our boy shimmys on down too just as she extends her hands out in the classic movie of I-am-gonna-grab-your-balls. Dance over. It was hilarious. The rest of us were in hysterics trying not to fall off our chairs laughing.

We had only one beer there before they too started to stack the chairs and tables around us. I declared that I saw a trend forming. Everywhere we went, peeps kept shutting up around us. Are they trying to tell us something?

Anyway, dissatisfied, we went back to Jan's place where we sat out at the balcony looking out at an amazing view of the city. Whiskey and ciggies where dispensed as we chatted about art, architecture, Malaysian and Singaporean politics, the discivil service and then of course, Kelvin asked me to tell my Me, Crime Overlordess Story. As I recounted my police and court farce, everyone was in hysterics and I was prodded to be start my own stand-up routine. Roll eyes. Says thanks you and pokes eye out with mike as I bow my head. Right, keeping my day & night jobs.

The closing act was when they egged me on to do an Indian accent in pretense of how I would have replied if I had been indeed the Sri Lankan Crime Syndicate Mafia Mary. I've always been told my Indian impersonation was spot on but seeing Nathaniel keeling over in laughter was still startling. They also loved my Thai hooker speak impersonation. Hmmm .... My Honour, I be telling you, the only crime I be committing is saying to Jan, "I Steam You Long Long Hard Hard?"

Categories - Rambling Prose